Dave McGillicuddy
Commissioner of Nothing. Champion of Less.
I’m Dave McGillicuddy. I’m forty-one years old, I live in Perch Creek, Ohio, and I have finished dead last in the Sunday Regret Invitational — my twelve-team fantasy football league — nine consecutive seasons. This is not easy to do. Statisticians have looked at it. One of them asked to stop being shown the numbers.
I don’t lose big. That would at least be dignified. I lose by point-two. Every week, in new and increasingly biblical ways: a backup tight end vulturing a one-yard touchdown at midnight, a kicker doinking a 22-yarder in a snowstorm, a defense allowing a meaningless garbage-time drive that mattered to no one on Earth except me — and I watched it standing up, alone, holding a bowl of chips I never ate. The league’s records show I have lost 51 matchups by less than one point. The league keeps this statistic updated in the group chat under a trophy emoji. Legally, they are my friends.
By trade, I’m the frontman of The Backup Plans, a bar band that peaked in 2011 when we nearly opened for a Foghat tribute act. The Backup Plans are currently on hiatus, because our practice space — the drummer’s mom’s garage — was converted into an Airbnb called The Cozy Nook (4.9 stars, “immaculate,” “you can tell music never happened here”). We have vowed to reunite when the housing market corrects. Until then, I write and record songs about the only subject I have ever truly mastered: losing at fantasy football. I track vocals in my Corolla in the Costco parking lot, which is acoustically honest. I release the songs as Dave & the Maulers, because after nine seasons of what the Maulers have put me through, the least they can do is be the band.
The Backup Plans are also, catastrophically, my league. Russ Tibbets, lead guitar, is the commissioner, and he enforces the constitution with the serenity of a man who has never once finished last. Terry Vibbert, bass, has won the whole thing three times and owns a personal engraving pen. Doug Grabowski — drums, son of the garage — finishes sixth every year and now manages The Cozy Nook, which he calls “a lateral move.” Band practice is on hiatus. The league is not. The group chat is both.
I built this site for one reason. Our constitution states that the last-place finisher funds the league’s championship party — venue, wings, and the engraving on a trophy that has never once said “McGillicuddy.” Nine seasons of parties thrown in my own dishonor have left me with what I call Party Debt, and what my credit union calls “sir, please stop explaining fantasy football.” Every stream of every song goes toward three goals, in order: retire the Party Debt, cover next year’s league dues, and someday buy the big 19-inch perpetual trophy outright — because if I can’t win the thing, I can at least own it, legally, and make it live on my shelf, where it will face the wall.
You can help by listening to the songs. Each stream earns me a fraction of a cent, which I consider basically a comeback. You can also follow the McGillicuddy Maulers, my team, right here on this site, where every week I post an update recounting how it went. I am very optimistic every Tuesday. It goes downhill from there.
I believe this is my year. I believed that last year. The math says otherwise, the group chat says otherwise, the trophy facing the wall says otherwise. I say: garbage time is my time.
Stream the songs. Retire the debt. Witness the Maulers.
Somebody has to.
Official Combine Scorecard
McGILLICUDDY, DAVE · QB1 (self-reported) · Perch Creek, OH
| Height | 5' 9 ¾" | insisted on the ¾ |
|---|---|---|
| Weight | 205 | scale disputed, scale replaced, 205 |
| 40-yard dash | 7.35 | stopped at the 25 to check his phone |
| Vertical jump | 9½" | off the couch: 4" |
| Broad jump | 3' 2" | landed, sat down, stayed |
| Bench press (225) | 0 reps | asked if there was a lighter bar |
| 3-cone drill | DNF | lost. the cones were found |
| Hands | 8¼" | chip-compatible |
| Couch-to-fridge split | 4.21 | ELITE · 99th percentile |
| 4th-quarter stamina | 99th %ile | has never once turned a game off |
| Remote accuracy | 100% | no-look, over the shoulder, mid-argument |
| Wonderlic | 41 | scouts "troubled" that he knows better |
SCOUTING GRADE: UDFA — Undraftable Free Agent
"Elite in every category that doesn't count. Which, in fairness, is our guy's entire brand." — Anonymous scout (it was Russ)
REQUIRED READING
I wrote three books. Simultaneously. About losing. They are collectively known as the McGillicuddy Papers, and every copy sold is a wing toward the party debt.
- Moral Victories (Vol. I) — a field guide to losing with dignity you have not earned.
- The Constitution (Vol. II) — the league's bylaws, annotated. 168 footnotes.
- Twelve Men I've Lost To (Vol. III) — scouting reports on everyone who has ever beaten me.
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